What drives us to the Confessional?

 A couple of years ago, I took it upon myself to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation at least once a month. This was after a retreat, where during the retreat, I received the Sacrament of Reconciliation for the first time in what seemed like forever, and I felt as though I had a great burden lifted from my shoulders. I came to realise the beauty of the Sacrament, and I even challenged myself to receive the Sacrament from priests who I was closer to and would normally avoid going to for Confession. 

However, sooner or later, I realised that I was visiting the Confessional more than once a month. As the adult guardian of the Altar Servers in my parish back then, most of my Sundays were spent in the Sacristy, and I started to cease the opportunity to approach the priests for the sacrament before attending Mass, on an almost weekly basis. The feeling was always the same. I went into the Confessional feeling dirty and guilty for committing the same sins over and over again, and came out feeling much lighter, cleaner, and much more worthy to receive from the Table of the Word and the Table of the Eucharist at the Evening Mass. It was always a wonderful encounter with the Mercy of our God. 

However, about a year later, there came a period of my life when I was in desolation. After having lost a loved one, and being sucked into the thresholds of the secular world, my faith life started to take a back seat. A priest jokingly told me before that if I was serious about discerning my vocation, the best thing to do would be to go out into the world, and sin as much as I could first. Of course he knew and I knew that he was not serious when he said that to me, but I found myself taking on this piece of advice to some extent. God had become a person that I only spoke to on Sundays, and I found that I was only frequenting the Eucharistic Feast in hopes of fulfilling my obligation as a Catholic, perhaps at best to appease an angry God. Confessions stopped being a regular thing, as I knew in my heart that God loved me anyway, and I felt that he did not need me to get up early to get to the confessional before Mass. At that point in my life, I no longer saw the point in frequenting the Confessional. I was going to commit the same sins again anyway, and I wasn't ready to at least try to let go of my attachments to this world. 

Long story cut short, it was only after making a decision to walk through the doors that God had opened for me to re-enter ministry, and to become involved in community that I found myself wanting to frequent the confessional once again. But after having matured quite a bit through many difficult experiences, I realised that the only reason why I frequented the confessional in the past was because of Guilt. I felt guilty for committing the same sins, but I knew perfectly well that I was still going to commit the same sins once I left the confessional. I took the Confessional for granted, and I never wanted each confession to be my last. It was then that I realised that it was not contrition that drove me to the confessional. I did not seek to detach myself from the habitual sins that I still struggle with. 

The whole point of going to Confession is to tell our God that we are sorry for hurting him, and to allow his mercy to heal us. When we sin, we disfigure the Body of Christ. But more than that, we hurt ourselves, and this hurts our God. The reason why it hurts our God to see us hurt ourselves is because it always pains us to see our loved ones suffer. It pains God, who loves us more than anybody, to see us hurt ourselves. It pains him when we reject his love for us. And so, as disciples of Christ, we need to actually say that we are sorry when we are sorry for causing our God so much hurt. We do not wait for an apology to be demanded before we give it. 

But when we apologise for something, we don't just do it to rid ourselves of the guilt. We do it to make amends, to attempt to put things right, and to assure the person that we have hurt that we will avoid hurting them again, much lest in the same manner. And this is why it's important that we at least try to avoid committing the same sins again, even though we know that we probably will, because of our human nature which God understands. But we need to be willing to at least try not to hurt God again. 

It is often said that the Confessional helps us to scrub our souls clean. And while that is true, perhaps it's time to consider our motives for going to Confession. Are we being driven to the Confessional because of guilt? Or are we truly contrite each time we enter the Confessional?