Forget About Forgetting

"Forgive and Forget"

It's something we often tell to our children and even to ourselves. It's no secret that all of us get hurt from time to time. It's also no secret that all of us hurt others from time to time. As Christians, we know that we ought to forgive those who hurt us. Our scriptures remind us of the importance of forgiving one another in many passages and stories. The grace to forgive one another is part of the Lord Prayer, the prayer which Jesus himself taught us, the prayer which most of us pray on a regular basis. 

However, is there really truth in this term, to Forgive and Forget? Certainly, we ought to forgive one another as freely as we have been forgiven by our compassionate God. But have the scriptures ever indicated that we ought to erase from our memories all incidents in which we have been hurt? I don't think so. I might be wrong, and I'm open to being corrected if so, but none of the passages in the Bible which speak of forgiveness indicate that we need to forgive and forget. Nowhere in the Catechism does it indicate that we need to erase from our memories all incidents that have brought us grief. 

The human brain is designed such that all of us have a memory. All of us are required to use our memory on a daily basis, and for many different reasons. We use the power of our memory to remember the various tasks we need to perform, including basic tasks such as eating, drinking, washing our hands, greeting our loved ones. We use the power of our memory for the purpose of study. We use the power of our memory to remember the wonders that the Lord has done, as the psalmist sings in Psalm 105. In short, human beings have been designed such that there is reliance on the power of one's memory in order to survive, and in order to give glory to God. 

While it's true that we often forget, and that forgiving someone who has hurt us may be easier if we forget the incident which took place, the fact of the matter is that our minds are simply built not to forget. In order to truly forgive a brother or sister who has inflicted hurt upon us, we must be able to love beyond ourselves. We must have the humility to rely on the one who can heal our broken hearts and our broken relationships. 

The unfortunate reality is that for many of us, our idea of what forgiveness truly is, is probably amiss in itself. Many of us think that forgiveness often comes with a warm and fuzzy feeling and that it must be accompanied with reconciliation or closure. Many of us have the impression that once we choose to forgive our brother, the wound will automatically disappear. Many of us have even subscribed to the lie which says that forgiving one another demands that we ought to condone toxic behaviour which hurts. If this were the case, then perhaps the term to forgive and forget might have some truth to it. But it is not. 

As Christians, all of us are called to forgive. But the thing that we must remember is that forgiveness must always come out of love for our neighbour. Loving one's neighbour does not mean that the feeling will always be warm and fuzzy, or that we ought to put up with, much less condone poisonius behaviour. In fact, loving one's neighbour demands that we always will the good of the other, even when it infuriates the life out of us, or even if it means creating distance due to the relationship being toxic. All of this also requires us to use our memory to remember what is right and what is wrong, to remember that we are loved, and to remember that we are called to love, even when it hurts. 

Furthermore, remembering our past hurts can also be a good thing when we use our memory for the right reasons. We have the option of remembering our past hurts so as to know how we ought not to treat others. We can certainly use our memory to remember our baggages, so as to empathise with others who may be going through something similar. All of this aids us in our call to love our neighbour, which at the end of the day is the heart of what it means to be a Christian. 

Forgive and Forget? Probably not the best idea for one who truly seeks to forgive and to love. Forget about forgetting.